The one about the Burger King crown

I am so friggin' bored...All I've done is pretended I was a vampire, wore a Burger King crown all day, broke into my elderly neighbors house, replaced elderly neighbors heart medication with Red Hots, said the Serenity prayer, watched Kindergarten Cop, wrote a love poem about heroin, drew a mustache on my face with a Sharpie, did a remake of Goonies, and joined the Kim Kardashian fan club.

•Jodie Foster looks like Voldemort.

•I hate when you get that one weird pumpkin seed that tastes all farty.

•Ultra light beer? You may as well drink water.

•Sometimes I wish I had a machine that could do my hair.

•What the hell is wrong with Catherine Zeta Jones? She looks nuts.

•I didn't know Professor Snape played guitar for Paul McCartney.

Seacrest Out...

The one about OJ Simpson

All I've done is sat around in my pajamas...I haven't done shit except called Live Links...because they wanna hear my voice, did a jigsaw puzzle, said "Bloody Mary" into the mirror 3 times, threw a rager, ate some Pringles, played some PacMan, said the Pledge of Allegiance, consulted OJ Simpson on the best way to kill someone and get away with it, wrote a letter to Oxygen informing them that their "Bad Girls Club" was nothing but a bunch of white trash bitches, ate some Cheez its, made fun of organized religion, did a tap dance routine to "Hello my Baby, Hello my Darling" at the local nursing home with tap shoes I made by hot gluing bottle caps to my flip flops, and made voodoo dolls of people I hate.

•Sarah Palin is a card and she needs to be dealt with. 

•I hate Comcast. Hate them. Bad customer service. Bad everything. Just. So. Fucking. Bad.

•Dinner with Schmucks was a worse movie than Sleep Away Camp 4. Yep. It was that bad. 

•I don't think I'd order the "Plaque Blaster" that I saw on an informercial. 





It takes for something to be crazy funny for me to actually laugh out loud. This actually made me laugh so hard that I had tears in my eyes...
Funny shit!!

The one about Nabisco

I guess some days are better than others...I haven't done shit today except put a severed finger in a box of 'Nilla Wafers, initiated a legal battle with Nabisco, wrote a threatening letter to Mark Zuckerberg (why the hell can't you just "edit" a post,) dressed up like Madonna circa 1986, played detective (my case of the missing bike horn turned into a double rape homicide,) scored some Turkish Meth, and spraypainted a mural in a urban area reminding people to "Get Tested."

•I hate when people mispronounce "vodka." It's not Vokka, it's voDka. Vodka. 

•Rizzoli and Isles is a painful show to watch. Yeah. It's pretty bad.

•I truly believe that I hate some people so much that if I heard somewhere that that person was beat to hell, that I'd smirk when I heard it. Yeah, I know.

•Okay, nepotism was brought up yesterday. I don't understand why this is an acceptable practice in Hollywood...or anywhere for that matter. You would'nt let a famous surgeons son work on your face, just because his dad is famous, good at it and licensed...why is this okay in Hollywood?
I've put together a little list where nepotism is the only reason we know who some of these people are.

Nepotism:
Emma Roberts-Julia Roberts
Drew Barrymore-John Barrymore
Haylie Duff-Hilary Duff
Rumer Willis-Demi Moore & Bruce Willis
Kelly & Jack Osbourne-Ozzy Osbourne 
Tori Spelling-Aaron Spelling
Jaden & Willow Smith-Will Smith
Clint Howard-Ron Howard
Ashlee Simpson-Jessica Simpson
Paris Hilton-
Jim Belushi-John Belushi
Miley Cyrus-Billy Ray Cyrus
Nicole Richie-Lionel Richie 
Freddie Prinze Jr.-Freddie Prinze
Charlie Sheen & Emilio Estevez-Martin Sheen
Kimberly Stewart-Rod Stewart
Peaches Geldolf-Bob Geldolf
Liv Tyler-Steven Tyler
Lily & Alfie Allen-Keith Allen
Kiefer Sutherland-Donald Sutherland 
Liza Minelli-Vincente Minelli & Judy Garland
Stella McCartney-Paul McCartney
Kate Hudson-Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell
Keira Knightley-
Kate Beckinsale- 
The Kardashians-Bruce Jenner & Robert Kardashian 
Gabby Logan-Terry Yorath
Colin Hanks-Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson
Norah Jones-Ravi Shankar
Matthew & Gunnar Nelson-Ricky Nelson.
Bijou, Chynna & MacKenzie Phillips-John Phillips
Wendy & Carnie Wilson-Brian Wilson
Lisa Marie Presley-Elvis Presley
Bonnie Raitt-John Raitt
Jeff & Beau Bridges-Lloyd Bridges
Nancy Sinatra-Frank Sinatra
Robin Thicke-Alan Thicke
Mariska Hargitay-Jayne Mansfield
Jamie Lee Curtis-Janet Leigh and actor Tony Curtis
Bryce Dallas Howard-Ron Howard
Isabella Rossellini-Ingrid Bergman
Michael Douglas-Kirk Douglas
Sean Astin-Patty Duke and actor John Astin
Angelina Jolie-John Voigt
Jane & Peter Fonda-Henry Fonda
Bridget Fonda-Peter Fonda
Melanie Griffith-Tippi Hedron
John Ritter-Tex Ritter
Ben Stiller-Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller
Joely Richardson-Vanessa Redgrave
Thora Birch-Jack Birch & Carol Connors.
Bristol Palin-Sarah Palin
Melissa Rivers-Joan Rivers
Ayla Brown-Scott Brown & Gail Huff
Alexa Ray Joel-Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley
Francis Bean Cobain-Kurt Cobain & Courtney Love
Jakob Dylan-Bob Dylan
Joe (King) Hill-Stephen King
Sofia Coppola-Francis Ford Coppola
Bindi Irwin-Steve Irwin
Ivanka Trump-Donald Trump
George W. Bush-George Bush
Chelsea Clinton-Bill & Hillary Clinton
Sean & Julian Lennon-John Lennon
Will Ferrell-Lee Ferrell
Tatum & Redmond O'Neal-Ryan O'Neal
Cameron Douglas-Michael Douglas
Nick & Brooke Hogan-Hulk Hogan
Dakota Johnson-Melanie Griffith & Don Johnson
Jennifer Aniston-John Aniston & Telly Savalas
Little Romeo-Master P
Lisa Marie Presley-Elvis Presley
Gwyneth Paltrow-Blythe Danner & Bruce Paltrow
Brandon Lee-Bruce Lee
Laura Dern-Bruce Dern & Diane Ladd
Carrie Fisher-Debbie Reynolds
Angelica Huston-John Huston
Natalie Cole-Nat King Cole
Alan Alda-Robert Alda
Roxie Roker-Lenny Kravitz
Sam Rondon-Lindsey Lohan
Ali, Michael & Dina  Lohan-Lindsay Lohan
Kevin Federline-Brittany Spears
Casey Affleck-Ben Affleck
Christina Applegate-Robert Applegate & Nancy Priddy
Olivia Wilde-Leslie & Andrew Cockburn 
Lorraine Nicholson-Jack Nicholson
Chris Brosnan-Pierce Brosnan
Chris Penn-Sean Penn
Sean Penn-Leo Penn
Jamie Lynn Spears-Brittany Spears
Nicolas Cage-Nicholas Copolla

Jesus Christ on a cracker...you get the point...

The one about Father Murphy

I haven't done anything today...I'm bored. All I've done today is opened my own dance studio, tried out for a role in a "Goodman, Acker" commercial, wrote death threats to Merlin Olsen for canceling "Father Murphy," went to Long John Silvers, watched Mr. Belvedere, wrote death threats to the producer of "Teen Mom," talked like a Hispanic gang member all day, referred to someone as "ese," did some arts and crafts, and Bedazzled my prettiest pair of white jeans. 

While putting together my blog, I was told that a company would advertise on my blog...this is the e-mail I got from them describing how they work.

AdSense is Google's content-targeted advertising program. This means that you don't select keywords or categories for your ads. Instead, Google's servers determine what your posts are about and display the most relevant ads to your readers. So, if you blog about baseball, there might be ads for Major League Baseball memorabilia next to your post. If you blog about painting, there might be ads for art supplies.

Please take note of my "advertisements." Fucking hilarious!
Why do I have ad's for rehab? It must be that pesky meth addiction.

•I really wanna tell "Captain" Rich Luterman to suck it. 

•The lead singer from Men at Work is so ugly...That ugly bastard needs to stay under.

•Just got home from work...kicking back with some Apple Pucker on the rocks.

The One About Tucks Pads

I really need a hobby...I do. All I've done today is corrected kids on FB who insist on spelling "HO" as "HOE," popped some wheelies on my Huffy, got "beaten" into a Latina gang, got a tattoo that says "Chicas Freakas," bought Tucks Pads at CVS, hung out in a maternity ward making fun of the moms who named their kid Nevaeh, went to an AA meeting, sat outside of said AA meeting drinking a can of Schlitz, called The Covenant House 9 line and talked like a pirate the entire conversation (yep, 1-800 and keep dialing 9,) and watched "The Great Space Coaster" with my imaginary friend.


I hate Kim Kardashian...why the fuck is this bitch famous? All she's done is A. Make a vile sex tape with Nick Canon of all people. 2. Dated sweaty black dudes and D. Has a GIGANTIC ass.
The term celebrity comes from the Latin noun celebritas, via the french cele'brite', which come from the Latin verb celebrar to celebrate...to make famous...
I don't understand why people "celebrate" this idiot. She's fucking nauseating!!! Has she ever said anything smart? She has NO personality, she's not funny, witty or cute...and this bitch gets a $2 million dollar deal for her own show. If you don't know, now ya know; I hate Kim Kardashian.



I seriously find no joy in children. Honestly, I hate the little bastards.

Fake uplifting people disturb the hell out of me. Really. You really would rather "sew a quilt for a veteran's widow, than relax on your couch and watch your favorite show?" Really? That is Fucked. To. The Hell up." 

My dogs bark entirely too much. Yet, I don't want to hurt their feelings by yelling "shut up." So, in essence. My dogs. Bark. A lot.

The one about Gazoo

I'm so incrediby bored...All I've done today is joined the "Bloods," smoked a ton of cigarettes, held up a party store, watched an infomercial on the power of the Nads Cream Hair Remover (there's an actual bearded lady in that commercial!,) did some Angel Dust, hallucinated "Gazoo" from The Flintstones marching in a gay pride parade, passed out STD pamphlets at the local elementary school, and ran lines with my scene partner.

I've been wondering if anyone else feels that True Blood is becoming ridiculously stupid? What the hell is up with Bill Compton's accent, and the way he's talking? I'm waiting for him to add "I do declare" on the end of his sentence. Really? Stop. Just stop it.

The bitch on YouTube won't let you embed videos, but I've posted this for your viewing pleasure...


I think Jason might quite possibly be the most hillbilly metrosexual known to man. What the hell is that all about? I'm not getting it...
What was up with that whole camping thing with Sam and Luna or whatever the hell her name is.  It was so stupid, there are no words to quite explain how absolutely stupid that was...
I know I wouldn't want to piss off the "wrong pooch."
http://youtu.be/EDkqKoKsmhg?t=1m41s
I think the word of the day is "OVERACTING!!" Ridiculous...

The One About the Hostess Fruit Pie

Alright bitches...this is my first time blogging. I got a few requests, so I asked myself, "why the hell not?" Every other jackhole has a blog that none of us read, so why not me? I'll now be able to call myself a writer. I can sit at Starbucks brooding with my laptop, in my turtleneck sweater from the "Gap" that I got with my 50% employee discount, while I read my copy of "Catcher In The Rye." I can pretend I'm a poor, tortured soul of a writer. I will also now have an excuse for all my eccentric bordering on strange behavior. I think maybe I'll do a few things...of course I'll share the ins and outs of my life (my shenanigans, antics and plain Tom Foolery) but, also since this blog is called "The Daily Bitch By A Witty Witch" I'd throw in my thoughts and observations of this fucked up world.
I hope that some of shit makes you laugh...or at the very least, smile.

I've put bullets for your convenience.

•I'm so bored, all I've done today is play Go-Bots, got pretty high up in the Mafia, pretended to be possessed by the Devil, wrote a letter to Tyler Perry telling him to "Stop. Just stop." stepped on a rusty nail, got lockjaw, cancelled my rap battle with Eminem, ate a Hostess Fruit Pie that some little fucker put his finger through, wore a sheet around my neck as a cape, called myself the "Vigilant Vigilante," was mistaken for a robber, received a vicious beating, retired the cape, and played marbles.

•I think today since I haven't slept all night, I'm going to keep it light and just bitch about trivial shit. I'll talk about my potential lawsuit against Glaxo Smith and Klein Pharmaceuticals for my gambling and meth addiction another time...so, today I'm just going to bust FaceBook's balls.


•Y'know...there's some people that when they make a "status update" on FaceBook, that I think to myself "it must fucking suck to be such a boring person with no sense of humor." Seriously. If you have to add a fucking semi-colon and a parenthesis to imply that youre joking or being silly, you're a ass who isn't funny. So, stop it. Stop. Do you really think this is funny, cute or witty?  "My BF just got his own FB!!!! Now he can quit secretly using my account!!! LOL!!!" No. No it is not. Sorry, your attempt at trying to your hand at comedy went terribly wrong. Awful.

•Y'know what else I hate? I hate private jokes put as "status updates." Really? You're like getting a chuckle out of one person and about 200 people knowing that it's a private joke, and that they probably wouldn't laugh even if they were in on it. So, before you put something stupid like "Cough Cough 40" as your status update, think about how much more of an idiot you sound like.