The one about my Winnebago

Hey ass snacks...it's 11:00 at night and I've really had an unproductive day. All I've done is get iniated into the "Clark" gang, dressed up in my alien consume, tried to kill Michael Keaton, got a PPO slapped on me by Michael Keaton, burped and blew it in my elderly neighbors face, tried out for a spot as background dancer, ate a bunch of those little candy things stuck on paper, wrote a poem about how little candy things stuck on paper were worse than Necco Wafers, gut punched my dad, sold acid to junior high kids, posted racist ads on Craigslist, moved Drake up to # 1 on my Most Wanted list, brought the drug "acid" back, bought body bags in bulk (say that 3 times real fast,) went cross country in my Winnebago, made a paper mâché ashtray, and found a new place to stay after my house burnt down by said ashtray. 

•I think people who make appointments earlier than 10 AM are fucking crazy. 

•I have no desire to surf. It's so unappealing, in so many ways.

•Rhea Pearlman=Diarhhea

•I hate the porn music in Golden Corral commercials. Y'know the one where they show fat kids shaking their head seductively in slow motion?

•Does anyone remember doing the song "So Long Farewell" from "The Sound of Music" in eighth grade and I was the little girl on the end, Liesl?
That was really gay. 

The one about The Outlaw Josie Wales

Good Sunday morning ya heathens who didn't go to worship. Instead you're reading my blog...which makes you not only a heathen but a delinquent as well. I myself didn't feel like drinking the Kool Aid or joining a cult, so instead I poked pins in a picture of Kim Kardashian, was a roadie on a campaign trail, ate a whole box of Dramamine, went to the dojo in my Zubaz pants, ate a strangers leftover spaghetti, solicited drugs, put Lil' Wayne to bed in a rap battle, stabbed my neighbor in the leg, erased the eyes of everyone in a magazine, pretended to be a salesman at Gardner White, enjoyed a root beer float, played Rock Band, watched The Outlaw Josie Wales, ruled the world, drank scotch on the rocks, toasted to the marriage of Luke and Laura on General Hospital, protested Starbucks, learned the fine art of calligraphy, took a celebratory bite off my murder victims finger in the freezer, and drew mustaches on all the people in a magazine.

•Me and that crazy husband from "Sleeping with the Enemy" are a lot alike. Except for that whole physical abuse thing.

•Why is Drake famous? This dude is fucking horribly untalented. I didn't believe him as "Wheelchair Jimmy" and I certainly don't believe him as a "rapper."

•I wanna host a "Newlywed" type game in my basement, but only with friends.

•Rock Band. Another thing I kick ass at when I'm high. 

•I like to fancy myself as a modern day Kerouac. 

The one about hallucinogenic berries

What's shaking on this rainy Wednesdsy bitches? I'm pretty bored, and this rain is getting in the way of my Senior Aerobics class at the park. So, to occupy myself I've pretended I had powers, started a fire in my dumbass neighbors shed, wore a raspberry beret, bought said beret at a second hand store, baked a soufflé, chopped a redneck into small unrecognizable pieces, took over fiduciary responsibility, started a CCR cover band, dressed up in my "Phantom of the Opera" costume, struggled to keep my bi-polar disorder in check, made a nicoise salad, hung out with a couple of cholos, ate a big ass box of Chocodiles, worked out in my spandex outfit, talked with a fake British accent, called people Gov-ner, got hooked on hallucinogenic berries, worked on my papier mâché, and wrote yet another death threat to Don Johnson of that smash hit series, "Miami Vice."

•I think if the CIA ever looked inside my head all they'd find is old "What's Happening" reruns, cigarette butts and a neglected conscience. 

•My frozen yogurt shop went out of business...probably because I didn't sell frozen yogurt, but VCR's and guns.
Thanks a lot snitches.

•There's nothing fun about "fun size" Snickers. What's fun about a little ass candy bar?

•Why doesn't Bill Maher or Alan Grayson run for president?

•Why do people use the term "sweating bullets?" 
Then when they do use this "turn of phrase" they do so incorrectly?

The one about my swimming jeans

Hey dickheads...I've been left alone to my devices, so you know that means, SHENANIGANS!! I've won a dance competition with a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, was acquitted of murder, had a slice of "Wonder Bread" topped with margarine, started an annual heat rash charity walk, pretended to be a priest, got my ducks in a row, watched TJ Hooker, got super high, ate some "Bugles," added Campbell Scott to my hit list, went figure skating, killed my neighbor vigilante style, was a guest on The Geraldo Show, went off my meds, cut a new pair of swimming jeans, turned my neighbors into Child Protective Services, put on my most prettiest dress, beat the hell out of Tom Skerritt, and robbed a convenience store.

•Jesus Christ on a cracker.  I just told my dogs to "zip it, lock it and put it in their pocket" after barking for about an hour straight. Dickheads didn't listen.

•You know you live in a predominantly "white" neighborhood when sweet potato pie is in the "Ethnic" section. 

•I might quite possibly have the weirdest kid...who warms up a plate of leftovers and takes off with it outside?

•Is it just me or does Kim Kardashian bore the hell out you?

•I wish I liked "nighties." I'm pretty sure I wear the ugliest pajamas in the world.

The one about Mayor McCheese

Good afternoon dillweeds...I'm pretty stoked that it's only one more day until the weekend and that I used the word "stoked" to describe how "stoked" I am about the whole thing. I've had a pretty boring day so far...all things considered. All I've done today is beat a republicans ass, enjoyed the comedy stylings of a one Mr. Bill Cosby, fell in love with a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, won a drag race, become a butler for a rich Jewish family, enjoyed a "Grand Slam" breakfast at Denny's, reenacted every scene from Dirty Dancing, read the Wall Street Journal, pretended to understand said journal, gave Marisa Tomei's "Oscar" to it's rightful owner, Vanessa Redgrave, read on Snopes.com that Snopes.com was false, dressed up like Mayor McCheese, was a maniac on a dance floor, got high off my own supply, listened to Air Supply, and submitted my song to Hanson's for their "Sing a Jing" contest.

•Bars are dumb...I don't have an explanation of why I feel that way. I just do.

•The movie "The Cutting Edge" is the story of my life. It's not...it's just a really bad movie.

•Maizies party is becoming OTT.

The one about Cap'n Crunch

It's already 8:00 in the morning and I haven't done shit except proved Drew & Mike were members of the American Neo Natzi Zionist Church, watched "Thunder Cats," joined a polygamy sect so I could have a maid, sold drugs behind a Payless Shoe Source, wrote a poem for my dead PopPop, needed a skin graph for the roof of my mouth after eating "Cap'n Crunch," went crazy on a dance floor, described my personality on ChristianSinglesMeet.com as a vivacious, carefree lady in the prime of my life, made waves in the gay community, started out my day with a quote from my motivational sayings calendar, danced like no one was watching, thought outside of the box, and listened to Survivors "Eye of the Tiger." 

•I still find children horrible and Kim Kardashian nauseating.

•Why does Dr. Phil call himself a doctor? He's not a real doctor. I'm just going to start calling myself Mayor Angela.

•Speaking of names, have you noticed the names if the younger newscasters? Jessica Starr, Erin Nicole...they sound like high priced call girl names.

•What's the deal with killers going free? Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson, Amanda Knox. We're not setting a good example for future killers.

•

The one about Uncle Ned

Hey asses...it's either Friday or Saturday. I don't know...the days all seem to run right in to each other. So, all I've done is played my accordion, threw rocks at cars, smoked some Angel Dust, frantically ate "Grape Nuts," went to my hip hop dance class, tried to get the circumference of Minnie Driver's head, dressed up in my black lady Wal-Mart greeter costume, took a soak in my used hot tub, reenacted the scene from "Family Ties" where Uncle Ned drinks vanilla extract, wrote a letter to the producer of "Cagney and Lacey" telling him that they were more than thick ankles and careful police work, was put on trial for double homicide, fixed my toaster that was on the fritz, went on a crime spree, peddled counterfeit purses, read some smut, and played the race card. 

•I'm proud to say I've never put on a hot dog costume. 

•Messing with my pizza crust is like worshipping the devil.
It's not a good idea.

•Oh my God. Oh my God. Has anyone seen the movie "Posse: Revenge of Jesse Lee? This movie sucks. I seriously watched 25 minutes of it unsure if it was a drama or a comedy.
Big Daddy Kane plays the "Gambler." 'Nuff said.

•My new favorite saying is "In your face Nancy Grace." I look forward to using it conversations, no matter how warranted it is.

•"Chips Ahoy cookies aren't the best. They're just the best Kroger has to offer.

•Alright...I'm out. 'Bout to get this shit viral!!!!

The one about Uncle Ned

Hey asses...it's either Friday or Saturday. I don't know...the days all seem to run right in to each other. So, all I've done is played my accordion, threw rocks at cars, smoked some Angel Dust, frantically ate "Grape Nuts," went to my hip hop dance class, tried to get the circumference of Minnie Driver's head, dressed up in my black lady Wal-Mart greeter costume, took a soak in my used hot tub, reenacted the scene from "Family Ties" where Uncle Ned drinks vanilla extract, wrote a letter to the producer of "Cagney and Lacey" telling him that they were more than thick ankles and careful police work, was put on trial for double homicide, fixed my toaster that was on the fritz, went on a crime spree, peddled counterfeit purses, read some smut, and played the race card. 

•I'm proud to say I've never put on a hot dog costume. 

•Messing with my pizza crust is like worshipping the devil.
It's not a good idea.

•Oh my God. Oh my God. Has anyone seen the movie "Posse: Revenge of Jesse Lee? This movie sucks. I seriously watched 25 minutes of it unsure if it was a drama or a comedy.
Big Daddy Kane plays the "Gambler." 'Nuff said.

•My new favorite saying is "In your face Nancy Grace." I look forward to using it conversations, no matter how warranted it is.

•"Chips Ahoy cookies aren't the best. They're just the best Kroger has to offer.

•Alright...I'm out. 'Bout to get this shit viral!!!!