So, it's 2012...I thought maybe since its the first day of 2012, I'd do something a little different. First off though, I want to thank the Lord God, my personal savior. I'd also like to thank Satan, because without him, I wouldn't be where I am today.
So, here's my blog in all it's ridiculous glory...enjoy.
My new year resolutions
Kill less homeless, transients, hookers and hobos
Learn to make a better Bloody Mary
Make my new catchphrase "Cash Bar Bitches"
Learn all the words to the song "We didn't start the fire" by Billy Joel
Teach a small child the "finger"
Stop saying my old catchphrase "In your face Nancy Grace"
Journal more
Adopt a puppy
Make snide remarks at the TV all day
Make homemade soap...maybe...I just Googled this shit, it looks time consuming and there's a good chance I'll burn myself
Swim in a creek in a pair of cut off jeans
Start a Restless Leg support group
Listen to more whiny white people music
Take a dip in the River Rouge
Ride the Detroit Princess
Stop faking amnesia all the time
Hide less bodies at Belle Isle
Fucking kill Larry the Cable Guy
Solve a medical mystery by throwing a ball at the wall
Teach Benny and Joon a new trick
Burn a wooden "T" for tolerance in my front yard
Watch the movie "Bones" to see if this was the beginning of Snoop Dogs downfall.
Stop relying on auto correct to fix my "laziness" when I type
Attend an AA & NA meeting
Reenact the fight scene from "They Live."
Learn to count cards
Wear hoodies less
Watch the movie "Grease" without making one negative comment (fingers crossed on this one.)
Take the Kardashians down
and learn the forgotten art of meth cooking.
The last few years haven't been the best for me, I can't just say it was just 2011 because 2010 was a close second.
I'm glad to see 2011 go. I've seen so many shitty things that I'm surprised that I'm not the junky I talk about being. The closest I've been to meth is watching toothless hillbilly sister fuckers on Intervention.
My saving grace has been comedy. I have the wonderful ability to find comedy in anything. Dead Grandparents, addictions, religious beliefs...I can find something funny in all of 'em.
Don't get me wrong, it's not always a great thing, it's gotten me into trouble, I've had security called on me, got in an actual fist fight, I've been personally escorted out of a casino by the Detroit Police (He was super duper cool...I had him laughing.) and I've had moments where I can't believe that Im alive or not doing hard time. But, it's what has kept me from being a bigger lunatic that what I'm already am.
2011 wasn't my year, but I do have a few things I'm thankful for. My crazy ass family. CZ putting up with the drama in the house. Bri who can smile even after a bad day, and Maizie who keeps me young.
All forces to be reckoned with. I love those jag-offs.
My friends, I'm glad that I have you. Whether you're Park Avenue or park bench, whether you're an aristocrat or an alley cat, there's a reason you're my friend.
I've learned a few things this past year, I've learned you have to be cruel to be kind, and to ask for help when you need it.
Be good to your family, hug your kids and tell them how much you love them everyday.
Alright, I've got better shit to do...Enjoy 2012, it's got to be better than 2011...
