The one about 3D glasses

Good morning ya jackholes...I've had a pretty boring ass morning. All I've done today is wrote death threats to those ugly bitches on Sex and the City, reenacted the pottery wheel scene from Ghost, smoked a Basic, listened to a little a Edie Brickell, slit my neighbors throat, enjoyed some gas station nachos, pawned my dead grammas hearing aids, talked trash to the geriatric fucks at the park, became a methmatician, lost a bet with CZ, had to clean the house in nothing but my underwear, wrote a letter to my personal savior; Jesus, went and visited Jesus at his landscaping job, shanked Drake; AKA Wheelchair Jimmy, accused my neighbor of being Fidel Castro, wore 3D glasses to Kroger, kept saying "you wouldn't believe what your ass looks like in 3D" to bitches at Kroger, ate a whole sandwich bag of Bugles leftover from my kids lunch, vomited up a greasy pasty Bugle mess, sang the only part of "It's so Cold in the D" chorus over and over in my head, caught others singing the chorus to "It's so Cold in the D," and fashioned a shank out of toothbrush.

•Now when an old person has trouble remembering something they say they're having a Rick Perry moment.

•Jersey Shore is ruining our childrens lives...and I think Snooki probably smells like a taco.

•Live Links commercials make me homicidal. 

•Why is everybody at Sam's Club so ugly?

The one about Crystal Light

Good Saturday by brown bag specials...another boring ass Saturday here. All I've done is got salt in my eye, carried a ferret around the mall like pretentious people do with their dogs, pretended to be Mexican gang member, spray painted "La Vida Loca" on overpasses, made a list of people who I think need plastic surgery, changed my name to "Rhinestone," robbed a string of liquor stores, took an 80 year old to a Metallica concert, bought a Cabbage Patch Kid named Bertram off E Bay, watched Great Space Coaster reruns, enjoyed some Crystal Light, enjoyed some Crystal Meth, made prank phone calls for 45 minutes, ran for Algonac City Council (sorry...couldn't help myself,) chewed an entire box of Benadryl, and dressed up in my prettiest cotillion dress.

•I don't the think I can use the  "he's a puppy" excuse anymore regarding Benny. 

•I don't care what anyone says...trampolines are NOT fun.
That shit jars your neck and makes you feel sick.

•Shannen Doherty has had the same hairstyle for the last 20 years. 

•I wanna be that one weird family that keeps their cereal in those clear Tupperware containers.