The one about the Sacajawea quarters

Hey fuckwads...what's shaking? I haven't done a whole helluva lot today since it's all rainy and shitty, all I've done is kicked daytime local news anchor "Captain" Rich Luterman's ass, read a Harlequin Romance novel, redecorated my house with "Home Interior" products, drank 15 "5 Hour Energy's," stole a car from Mother Waddles, filled my pockets full of "Sacajawea" quarters so when I walked past homeless people my pants jingled like a big shot, got a parrot, taught said parrot to say "fuck off," joined in the Million Man March, watched reruns of My Two Dads, rented porn from Family Video, got super high from sniffing glue, ate some marzipan, and remade my own version of the movie "My Stepmother is an Alien."

•I think stupid people should be on the bottom of the food chain.

•I think I'd like the Drop Kick Murphy's more if I was Irish...until then, Cyonara Drop Kick Murphy's!

•If "House" was a real drug addict he'd take like four Vicodin at a time instead of one. Stupid. If you going to to be a "method actor" hang out with some real addicts. P.S. He uses the cane on wrong side.

•Erin Brockovich seems like a real busy body. 

The one about Steven Seagal

Hey jackholes...what's shaking?
Today's been a fucked up day, all I've done is met Steven Seagal at the dojo, went to a poetry slam, sat at Starbucks reading "The Catcher in the Rye," got caught up in a domestic dispute, made a list of people I hate, became unreasonably upset at the news the "Spies Like Us" wasn't nominated for an Oscar, put on a breakdancing routine at a nursing home, replied "bonkers" when someone asked my how my day has been, and singlehandedly brought on the demise of Maroon 5.

•I betcha the chicks on "All American Handyman" are going to be hot. No. No, they won't be.

•It's called a prison, not this bullshit "correctional facility" shit. Quit trying to church it up.

•I really hate the show Spongebob Squarepants...don't sing the fucking song. I'm NOT impressed that you know all the words.

•I like when I sit down on the couch after one of the dogs has sat there 'n it's all gritty...where the hell do they go when I let them outside?
Where do they go when I let them o

The one about my Nancy Drew's

I hate Sundays...it still feels like a school night to me...so...I've been feeling a little depressed today so I haven't done much except a watercolor painting of Mary Lou Retton, drank 3 fingers of Glen Livet, ate some Superman ice cream, beat Randy Quaid to death, bought a new pair of Blair slacks, went for a ride on my Kawasaki, read my Nancy Drew's, wondered what fucked up person came up with the drug name "Aciphex," ate some toaster pastries (generic Pop Tarts,) dressed like Captain Stubbing for 11 months, wrote Bristol Palin a  letter telling her that I've scene two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace than she has, felt absolute despair when I thought of Kim Kardashian, impersonated John Travolta, and learned "method acting" from the great "Nic Cage," and lit stuff on fire."

•I'm sure I'm going to get some backlash for this, but I totally have the feeling that Michael J. Fox is faking how bad his Parkinson's is. I don't know why, but he just is.

•Whoever decided to go with that deformed lady in the RA (rheumatoid arthritis)
commercial needs to be fired.

•I find Deborah Messing insufferable.

The one about canned peaches in light syrup

Good Morning ya dillweeds...I have a headache that's pretty much had taken over my life...so, all I've done is lived out of a storage unit for 7 months, wrote death threats to Dolph Scott the producer of "Storage Wars," dusted my Franklin Mint commemorative "Happy Days" plate set, legally changed my name to "Potsie," tried to crack Giuliana Rancic's head open, realized it was not an acorn, ate some canned peach's in light syrup, did some woodwork, made a sign that says "Friday's Comin', beat Colin Farrell's ass for wearing a wool cap in August, ate a large wedge of cake from the fair and made a pinwheel. 

•On Twitter there is a "Black Stewie." I have a hard time with this because "Black Stewie" isn't the least bit funny...to be honest it's a little too racist for my taste...What makes "Black Stewie" even worse is that people actually follow this unfunny jackhole. Racist ass, unfunny waste. Fuck you "Black Stewie." Fuck you and your completely unfunny "Tweets."

•I don't understand the song "She thinks my tractors sexy." What backwoods, inbred, sister kissing assfuck actually finds a tractor sexy? The name John Deere just oozes sex.
That might have been the hardest sentence I've ever had to type.

•Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I could kick a small child.

•I totally crack up at the drug "Angel Dust." Really? Who in the hell came up with this name? Angel Dust.

The one about Dolly Parton

It's my anniversary today, so I haven't done much except listened to the sobering wisdom of Miss Dolly Parton, did a dance routine to 9 to 5, played cricket, made everyone call me "Lester" all day, played bank, watched Charles in Charge, wrote death threats to Scott Baio, watched Ryan's Hope, wrote death threats to the producers for canceling Ryan's Hope, had a lively exchange of ideas with my dealer, got hot under the collar, wore a pair of Z. Cavaricci's, framed Bob Saget for murder, and wrote fake love letters to Scott Peterson. 

•The show "Wipeout" is synonymous with dreck. 

•When I told my husband after my optic neuritis surgery that I was almost completely blind in my right eye and fell down, he told me to see with my left eye. Wow...he should've been a doctor.

•How come the Keebler Elves don't have to wear hair nets? 

•Shit!! My Golden Grahams, milk and Triscuits  expire on 9/11. It's a trifecta of terrorism!! 

•Adult Swim advertisements are so stupid sometimes. Stop thinking you're so much deeper than me. It's so stupid that I wouldn't even try to pass that shit off  as "abstract art." It fucking sucks. Stop it. 

Alright, I gotta get going for my night out on the town. Enjoy your shitty, cold gray Wednesday ya dickheads.

The one about Angela Lansbury

I'm so glad it's Friday...I need a weekend to rest after my week of doing absolutely nothing except writing a menacing letter to Jim Henson (the creator of that lovable character, Kermit the Frog,) found out Jim Henson was dead, called the moms of high school girls pretending to be "Miriam" from Planned Parenthood, watched re-runs of Full House, plotted Bob Saget's demise, made up stuff on Wikipedia, and worked out to my Angela Lansbury workout tape.

•The people on the show "Hard Core Pawn" are by no means indicative of all Detroiters. 

•I totally envision myself going on an ass kicking spree. If you have wronged me in any way, shape or form. Look out. I'm coming for you. 

•I friggin' hate Simon Cowell...what a ridiculous fuck. He thinks he's got it going bossa nova.

•Hillbilly handfishing. Is this what we've come to?

Alright ya jackholes...have a good weekend.

OUT!

The one about Falcon Crest

I haven't really slept...but I did manage to challenge my elderly neighbor to a duel, got super high and watched "Falcon Crest," wrote death threats to Lonnie Anderson, auditioned for a part in community theater, had a Mexican stand off with the bitch who got the lead, ate a Bear Claw, got down to brass tacks, journaled in my Hannah Montana diary, threw a kids ball up on roof, killed the entire cast of "Glee," made some shady deals down at the pier, worked on my "Worst Vacation Ever" photo album, did some cooked down Afrin, and texted death threats to my nail lady.

•Sometimes when I'm trying to do something tough or cool, I hear "Lose Yourself" by Eminem in my head.

•Wow! That Megan Fox is such a seductress...

•I like the word "hobo." it's self explanatory...

•Nuthin' better than washing down a Butterfinger with a Mt. Dew.

My hair is no longer blonde...I'm pretty sure in my previous life I was a busty blonde...in this life I'm just busty.

I've been working on my family tree, and I found out that I am Swedish...that explains why I'm such an icy bitch.