Hey dickheads...I've been left alone to my devices, so you know that means, SHENANIGANS!! I've won a dance competition with a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, was acquitted of murder, had a slice of "Wonder Bread" topped with margarine, started an annual heat rash charity walk, pretended to be a priest, got my ducks in a row, watched TJ Hooker, got super high, ate some "Bugles," added Campbell Scott to my hit list, went figure skating, killed my neighbor vigilante style, was a guest on The Geraldo Show, went off my meds, cut a new pair of swimming jeans, turned my neighbors into Child Protective Services, put on my most prettiest dress, beat the hell out of Tom Skerritt, and robbed a convenience store.
•Jesus Christ on a cracker. I just told my dogs to "zip it, lock it and put it in their pocket" after barking for about an hour straight. Dickheads didn't listen.
•You know you live in a predominantly "white" neighborhood when sweet potato pie is in the "Ethnic" section.
•I might quite possibly have the weirdest kid...who warms up a plate of leftovers and takes off with it outside?
•Is it just me or does Kim Kardashian bore the hell out you?
•I wish I liked "nighties." I'm pretty sure I wear the ugliest pajamas in the world.
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