The one with an actual story

It's 1:30 and I am such a lazy bastard...all I've done is listened to the complete works of Boz Scaggs, stabbed an old man with a fork, got overly zealous at a southern high school football game, went to a tent revival, screamed "Thank you Jesus" really loud at said tent revival, worked on my Jeff Foxworthy impression, made "you might be a redneck" jokes, punched my rat of a neighbor in the fucking face, enjoyed a glass of Five Alive, washed down some Anacin with said glass of Five Alive, smoked cigarettes, laughed with my kids at peoples FaceBook pics, colored in my Transformer coloring book, did running commentary for gymnastics in my living room, wrote death threats to Condoleeza Rice, and made a soggy napkin and cigarette butt sandwich for my Alzheimery neighbor.


I thought I'd write a little Christmas story for you hookers...enjoy.

The Christmas Picture
By: Angela Noel Zakrzewski

 I have the obligatory pictures of my kids sitting on the mall Santa’s lap, but I don’t have a Doc Brown or a flux capacitor, and there is nothing I can do about what I did, but maybe I can make you think twice about “pictures with Santa.”

My kids are teenagers; they are far past the days of believing in Santa... It’s been years since I’ve dragged my kids and their frightened asses to the mall to get a picture taken with Santa. But it wasn’t so long ago that I don’t remember how awful those outings were. 

It starts with trying to get each kid ready and kept clean for the 4 to 6 hours that it’s going to take to get to the mall, park, wait in line, etc…So, pretty much that means that your child is going to be fed nothing but saltine crackers and apple juice from then on out…a malnourished child is preferred over a kid with a food stain on their Christmas dress. Of course, your child is going to be hungry, and they will remind you…80 fucking times. In return you'll give them another cracker, and pray that they'll shut the hell up for 5 minutes.  Of course, unless you’re a complete douche bag your kids will be wearing those same clothes to midnight mass or whatever the hell it is you do on Christmas.  So, the fucker has to stay clean…

The parking situation. Yes, parking. You’ve got your kid all safely buckled in the least wrinkles possible position in their car seat to drive around a full parking lot for 20 minutes. After a few minutes of looking for a spot, you’re already irritated with everything and everyone.  So, you yell like a lunatic to your husband to “just drop you off at the god damn door already.”  I assure you, his ass is just as eager to get rid of you as you are of his  He drops you off with your 2 or 3 bratty kids, where you wait another 20 minutes, answering your kids’ question of “when’s dad going to be here?”  with some CUNextTuesday answer like "I don't know, maybe never."  Meanwhile, your husband or whatever jackhole you conned into going with you finally finds a spot, and runs his ass at least a quarter of a mile, to hear you say “what the hell took so long?” Now that you're are happily reunited, you get to maneuver through a packed ass mall, probably with a stroller or a car seat, and push your kids through swarms of people who are more than likely, hot, tired, and pissed off.

This brings me to the line, ah, the line that that you knew was going to be long as hell, but never this bad. The line is awful, it’s a bunch of hungry, miserable, a-holes. They might not normally be a-holes, but this whole taking your kid to get his picture taken with Santa nonsense brings out the worst in people.  For me this part is probably the worst, you get to wait in a line for no less than an hour with fucking crying ass kids listening to every mom say “See, there’s Santa, and if you’re good, you can sit on his lap and tell him what you want.” Remember when I said taking my “frightened ass” kids to see Santa? Your kid is afraid of the fucker and rightfully so! All their young lives we’ve warned them of the dangers of strangers, and here you are plopping your kid in their Sunday best on a strangers fucking lap.
Standing in any line is hell, but a 200 foot long line of bitchy kids and their even bitchier moms is torture.  Ah, the bitchy moms, the reason why we’re here.  I blame you for this casserole of nonsense. There is no man that says “let’s get the kids all gussied up like pageant kids and head to the mall.” So, the blame lies solely on your shoulders. This is one of those instances that since I’m a mom, I can talk smack about other moms…y’know that unspoken rule? This is also one of those instances where I think I can give you better parenting advice than “just poke holes in the top.”  Taking your children to see Santa is not fun, it’s a fucking pain in the ass.

So, we wait, and we wait. I’m not going to get into how miserable everybody actually is, because as you can imagine, that line is my own personal hell.  We’re 10 kids back, and 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2…Showtime.
Now, here’s where you think it’s all over, but no, no. It’s not. You kid is fucking terrified of the ratty looking bastard.  As your kids cling tighter to you, you really want to give up; you’ve pretty much run out of options at this point. Here’s where you can either hold your child and be in the picture, looking haphazard, overwhelmed and probably sweaty, or you can put your red faced, crying kid on Santa’s lap,  while you effectively though unconsciously  give your kid abandonment issues, or you can leave. You realize what an absolute pain in the ass the day has been and there is no way you’re leaving now.

The process of getting the picture isn’t actually long enough, you have essentially about 3 minutes to calm (if necessary) your child down, make them look presentable and move out of the way. You only get 2 or 3 tries, so you have to make one of them count. You are prepared to do anything to get your kid to smile.  You somehow think that standing next to the photographer who’s dressed like a stripper elf (“Candy Cane,”as I call her) while jumping up and down, calling your kids name while waving their favorite toy around will be enough for your 2 year old to pull themself together and smile.  Not only do you look like a jag-off, but you’re also pissing everyone off.  First and foremost, you’re pissing off the moms in line who just keep saying to themselves “just take the fucking picture already,” you’re pissing off Candy Cane who just wants you to get the hell out of the way so she can take the picture, and last but not least, you’re pissing off Santa. That creepy fuck gets paid to let kids sit on his lap…so, you’re not really concerned, you just want him to look decent in the picture. I mean, the best you can hope for at this point is that Santa doesn’t smell like weed like he did last year.

So, enjoy  your obligatory generic picture with the superimposed holly in the corner and your kid crying his ass off on pissed off Santa’s lap taken by a stripper named Candy Cane.  Merry Christmas a-holes.

The one about 3D glasses

Good morning ya jackholes...I've had a pretty boring ass morning. All I've done today is wrote death threats to those ugly bitches on Sex and the City, reenacted the pottery wheel scene from Ghost, smoked a Basic, listened to a little a Edie Brickell, slit my neighbors throat, enjoyed some gas station nachos, pawned my dead grammas hearing aids, talked trash to the geriatric fucks at the park, became a methmatician, lost a bet with CZ, had to clean the house in nothing but my underwear, wrote a letter to my personal savior; Jesus, went and visited Jesus at his landscaping job, shanked Drake; AKA Wheelchair Jimmy, accused my neighbor of being Fidel Castro, wore 3D glasses to Kroger, kept saying "you wouldn't believe what your ass looks like in 3D" to bitches at Kroger, ate a whole sandwich bag of Bugles leftover from my kids lunch, vomited up a greasy pasty Bugle mess, sang the only part of "It's so Cold in the D" chorus over and over in my head, caught others singing the chorus to "It's so Cold in the D," and fashioned a shank out of toothbrush.

•Now when an old person has trouble remembering something they say they're having a Rick Perry moment.

•Jersey Shore is ruining our childrens lives...and I think Snooki probably smells like a taco.

•Live Links commercials make me homicidal. 

•Why is everybody at Sam's Club so ugly?

The one about Crystal Light

Good Saturday by brown bag specials...another boring ass Saturday here. All I've done is got salt in my eye, carried a ferret around the mall like pretentious people do with their dogs, pretended to be Mexican gang member, spray painted "La Vida Loca" on overpasses, made a list of people who I think need plastic surgery, changed my name to "Rhinestone," robbed a string of liquor stores, took an 80 year old to a Metallica concert, bought a Cabbage Patch Kid named Bertram off E Bay, watched Great Space Coaster reruns, enjoyed some Crystal Light, enjoyed some Crystal Meth, made prank phone calls for 45 minutes, ran for Algonac City Council (sorry...couldn't help myself,) chewed an entire box of Benadryl, and dressed up in my prettiest cotillion dress.

•I don't the think I can use the  "he's a puppy" excuse anymore regarding Benny. 

•I don't care what anyone says...trampolines are NOT fun.
That shit jars your neck and makes you feel sick.

•Shannen Doherty has had the same hairstyle for the last 20 years. 

•I wanna be that one weird family that keeps their cereal in those clear Tupperware containers. 

The one about my Winnebago

Hey ass snacks...it's 11:00 at night and I've really had an unproductive day. All I've done is get iniated into the "Clark" gang, dressed up in my alien consume, tried to kill Michael Keaton, got a PPO slapped on me by Michael Keaton, burped and blew it in my elderly neighbors face, tried out for a spot as background dancer, ate a bunch of those little candy things stuck on paper, wrote a poem about how little candy things stuck on paper were worse than Necco Wafers, gut punched my dad, sold acid to junior high kids, posted racist ads on Craigslist, moved Drake up to # 1 on my Most Wanted list, brought the drug "acid" back, bought body bags in bulk (say that 3 times real fast,) went cross country in my Winnebago, made a paper mâché ashtray, and found a new place to stay after my house burnt down by said ashtray. 

•I think people who make appointments earlier than 10 AM are fucking crazy. 

•I have no desire to surf. It's so unappealing, in so many ways.

•Rhea Pearlman=Diarhhea

•I hate the porn music in Golden Corral commercials. Y'know the one where they show fat kids shaking their head seductively in slow motion?

•Does anyone remember doing the song "So Long Farewell" from "The Sound of Music" in eighth grade and I was the little girl on the end, Liesl?
That was really gay. 

The one about The Outlaw Josie Wales

Good Sunday morning ya heathens who didn't go to worship. Instead you're reading my blog...which makes you not only a heathen but a delinquent as well. I myself didn't feel like drinking the Kool Aid or joining a cult, so instead I poked pins in a picture of Kim Kardashian, was a roadie on a campaign trail, ate a whole box of Dramamine, went to the dojo in my Zubaz pants, ate a strangers leftover spaghetti, solicited drugs, put Lil' Wayne to bed in a rap battle, stabbed my neighbor in the leg, erased the eyes of everyone in a magazine, pretended to be a salesman at Gardner White, enjoyed a root beer float, played Rock Band, watched The Outlaw Josie Wales, ruled the world, drank scotch on the rocks, toasted to the marriage of Luke and Laura on General Hospital, protested Starbucks, learned the fine art of calligraphy, took a celebratory bite off my murder victims finger in the freezer, and drew mustaches on all the people in a magazine.

•Me and that crazy husband from "Sleeping with the Enemy" are a lot alike. Except for that whole physical abuse thing.

•Why is Drake famous? This dude is fucking horribly untalented. I didn't believe him as "Wheelchair Jimmy" and I certainly don't believe him as a "rapper."

•I wanna host a "Newlywed" type game in my basement, but only with friends.

•Rock Band. Another thing I kick ass at when I'm high. 

•I like to fancy myself as a modern day Kerouac. 

The one about hallucinogenic berries

What's shaking on this rainy Wednesdsy bitches? I'm pretty bored, and this rain is getting in the way of my Senior Aerobics class at the park. So, to occupy myself I've pretended I had powers, started a fire in my dumbass neighbors shed, wore a raspberry beret, bought said beret at a second hand store, baked a soufflé, chopped a redneck into small unrecognizable pieces, took over fiduciary responsibility, started a CCR cover band, dressed up in my "Phantom of the Opera" costume, struggled to keep my bi-polar disorder in check, made a nicoise salad, hung out with a couple of cholos, ate a big ass box of Chocodiles, worked out in my spandex outfit, talked with a fake British accent, called people Gov-ner, got hooked on hallucinogenic berries, worked on my papier mâché, and wrote yet another death threat to Don Johnson of that smash hit series, "Miami Vice."

•I think if the CIA ever looked inside my head all they'd find is old "What's Happening" reruns, cigarette butts and a neglected conscience. 

•My frozen yogurt shop went out of business...probably because I didn't sell frozen yogurt, but VCR's and guns.
Thanks a lot snitches.

•There's nothing fun about "fun size" Snickers. What's fun about a little ass candy bar?

•Why doesn't Bill Maher or Alan Grayson run for president?

•Why do people use the term "sweating bullets?" 
Then when they do use this "turn of phrase" they do so incorrectly?

The one about my swimming jeans

Hey dickheads...I've been left alone to my devices, so you know that means, SHENANIGANS!! I've won a dance competition with a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, was acquitted of murder, had a slice of "Wonder Bread" topped with margarine, started an annual heat rash charity walk, pretended to be a priest, got my ducks in a row, watched TJ Hooker, got super high, ate some "Bugles," added Campbell Scott to my hit list, went figure skating, killed my neighbor vigilante style, was a guest on The Geraldo Show, went off my meds, cut a new pair of swimming jeans, turned my neighbors into Child Protective Services, put on my most prettiest dress, beat the hell out of Tom Skerritt, and robbed a convenience store.

•Jesus Christ on a cracker.  I just told my dogs to "zip it, lock it and put it in their pocket" after barking for about an hour straight. Dickheads didn't listen.

•You know you live in a predominantly "white" neighborhood when sweet potato pie is in the "Ethnic" section. 

•I might quite possibly have the weirdest kid...who warms up a plate of leftovers and takes off with it outside?

•Is it just me or does Kim Kardashian bore the hell out you?

•I wish I liked "nighties." I'm pretty sure I wear the ugliest pajamas in the world.

The one about Mayor McCheese

Good afternoon dillweeds...I'm pretty stoked that it's only one more day until the weekend and that I used the word "stoked" to describe how "stoked" I am about the whole thing. I've had a pretty boring day so far...all things considered. All I've done today is beat a republicans ass, enjoyed the comedy stylings of a one Mr. Bill Cosby, fell in love with a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, won a drag race, become a butler for a rich Jewish family, enjoyed a "Grand Slam" breakfast at Denny's, reenacted every scene from Dirty Dancing, read the Wall Street Journal, pretended to understand said journal, gave Marisa Tomei's "Oscar" to it's rightful owner, Vanessa Redgrave, read on Snopes.com that Snopes.com was false, dressed up like Mayor McCheese, was a maniac on a dance floor, got high off my own supply, listened to Air Supply, and submitted my song to Hanson's for their "Sing a Jing" contest.

•Bars are dumb...I don't have an explanation of why I feel that way. I just do.

•The movie "The Cutting Edge" is the story of my life. It's not...it's just a really bad movie.

•Maizies party is becoming OTT.

The one about Cap'n Crunch

It's already 8:00 in the morning and I haven't done shit except proved Drew & Mike were members of the American Neo Natzi Zionist Church, watched "Thunder Cats," joined a polygamy sect so I could have a maid, sold drugs behind a Payless Shoe Source, wrote a poem for my dead PopPop, needed a skin graph for the roof of my mouth after eating "Cap'n Crunch," went crazy on a dance floor, described my personality on ChristianSinglesMeet.com as a vivacious, carefree lady in the prime of my life, made waves in the gay community, started out my day with a quote from my motivational sayings calendar, danced like no one was watching, thought outside of the box, and listened to Survivors "Eye of the Tiger." 

•I still find children horrible and Kim Kardashian nauseating.

•Why does Dr. Phil call himself a doctor? He's not a real doctor. I'm just going to start calling myself Mayor Angela.

•Speaking of names, have you noticed the names if the younger newscasters? Jessica Starr, Erin Nicole...they sound like high priced call girl names.

•What's the deal with killers going free? Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson, Amanda Knox. We're not setting a good example for future killers.

•

The one about Uncle Ned

Hey asses...it's either Friday or Saturday. I don't know...the days all seem to run right in to each other. So, all I've done is played my accordion, threw rocks at cars, smoked some Angel Dust, frantically ate "Grape Nuts," went to my hip hop dance class, tried to get the circumference of Minnie Driver's head, dressed up in my black lady Wal-Mart greeter costume, took a soak in my used hot tub, reenacted the scene from "Family Ties" where Uncle Ned drinks vanilla extract, wrote a letter to the producer of "Cagney and Lacey" telling him that they were more than thick ankles and careful police work, was put on trial for double homicide, fixed my toaster that was on the fritz, went on a crime spree, peddled counterfeit purses, read some smut, and played the race card. 

•I'm proud to say I've never put on a hot dog costume. 

•Messing with my pizza crust is like worshipping the devil.
It's not a good idea.

•Oh my God. Oh my God. Has anyone seen the movie "Posse: Revenge of Jesse Lee? This movie sucks. I seriously watched 25 minutes of it unsure if it was a drama or a comedy.
Big Daddy Kane plays the "Gambler." 'Nuff said.

•My new favorite saying is "In your face Nancy Grace." I look forward to using it conversations, no matter how warranted it is.

•"Chips Ahoy cookies aren't the best. They're just the best Kroger has to offer.

•Alright...I'm out. 'Bout to get this shit viral!!!!

The one about Uncle Ned

Hey asses...it's either Friday or Saturday. I don't know...the days all seem to run right in to each other. So, all I've done is played my accordion, threw rocks at cars, smoked some Angel Dust, frantically ate "Grape Nuts," went to my hip hop dance class, tried to get the circumference of Minnie Driver's head, dressed up in my black lady Wal-Mart greeter costume, took a soak in my used hot tub, reenacted the scene from "Family Ties" where Uncle Ned drinks vanilla extract, wrote a letter to the producer of "Cagney and Lacey" telling him that they were more than thick ankles and careful police work, was put on trial for double homicide, fixed my toaster that was on the fritz, went on a crime spree, peddled counterfeit purses, read some smut, and played the race card. 

•I'm proud to say I've never put on a hot dog costume. 

•Messing with my pizza crust is like worshipping the devil.
It's not a good idea.

•Oh my God. Oh my God. Has anyone seen the movie "Posse: Revenge of Jesse Lee? This movie sucks. I seriously watched 25 minutes of it unsure if it was a drama or a comedy.
Big Daddy Kane plays the "Gambler." 'Nuff said.

•My new favorite saying is "In your face Nancy Grace." I look forward to using it conversations, no matter how warranted it is.

•"Chips Ahoy cookies aren't the best. They're just the best Kroger has to offer.

•Alright...I'm out. 'Bout to get this shit viral!!!!

The one about the Sacajawea quarters

Hey fuckwads...what's shaking? I haven't done a whole helluva lot today since it's all rainy and shitty, all I've done is kicked daytime local news anchor "Captain" Rich Luterman's ass, read a Harlequin Romance novel, redecorated my house with "Home Interior" products, drank 15 "5 Hour Energy's," stole a car from Mother Waddles, filled my pockets full of "Sacajawea" quarters so when I walked past homeless people my pants jingled like a big shot, got a parrot, taught said parrot to say "fuck off," joined in the Million Man March, watched reruns of My Two Dads, rented porn from Family Video, got super high from sniffing glue, ate some marzipan, and remade my own version of the movie "My Stepmother is an Alien."

•I think stupid people should be on the bottom of the food chain.

•I think I'd like the Drop Kick Murphy's more if I was Irish...until then, Cyonara Drop Kick Murphy's!

•If "House" was a real drug addict he'd take like four Vicodin at a time instead of one. Stupid. If you going to to be a "method actor" hang out with some real addicts. P.S. He uses the cane on wrong side.

•Erin Brockovich seems like a real busy body. 

The one about Steven Seagal

Hey jackholes...what's shaking?
Today's been a fucked up day, all I've done is met Steven Seagal at the dojo, went to a poetry slam, sat at Starbucks reading "The Catcher in the Rye," got caught up in a domestic dispute, made a list of people I hate, became unreasonably upset at the news the "Spies Like Us" wasn't nominated for an Oscar, put on a breakdancing routine at a nursing home, replied "bonkers" when someone asked my how my day has been, and singlehandedly brought on the demise of Maroon 5.

•I betcha the chicks on "All American Handyman" are going to be hot. No. No, they won't be.

•It's called a prison, not this bullshit "correctional facility" shit. Quit trying to church it up.

•I really hate the show Spongebob Squarepants...don't sing the fucking song. I'm NOT impressed that you know all the words.

•I like when I sit down on the couch after one of the dogs has sat there 'n it's all gritty...where the hell do they go when I let them outside?
Where do they go when I let them o

The one about my Nancy Drew's

I hate Sundays...it still feels like a school night to me...so...I've been feeling a little depressed today so I haven't done much except a watercolor painting of Mary Lou Retton, drank 3 fingers of Glen Livet, ate some Superman ice cream, beat Randy Quaid to death, bought a new pair of Blair slacks, went for a ride on my Kawasaki, read my Nancy Drew's, wondered what fucked up person came up with the drug name "Aciphex," ate some toaster pastries (generic Pop Tarts,) dressed like Captain Stubbing for 11 months, wrote Bristol Palin a  letter telling her that I've scene two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace than she has, felt absolute despair when I thought of Kim Kardashian, impersonated John Travolta, and learned "method acting" from the great "Nic Cage," and lit stuff on fire."

•I'm sure I'm going to get some backlash for this, but I totally have the feeling that Michael J. Fox is faking how bad his Parkinson's is. I don't know why, but he just is.

•Whoever decided to go with that deformed lady in the RA (rheumatoid arthritis)
commercial needs to be fired.

•I find Deborah Messing insufferable.

The one about canned peaches in light syrup

Good Morning ya dillweeds...I have a headache that's pretty much had taken over my life...so, all I've done is lived out of a storage unit for 7 months, wrote death threats to Dolph Scott the producer of "Storage Wars," dusted my Franklin Mint commemorative "Happy Days" plate set, legally changed my name to "Potsie," tried to crack Giuliana Rancic's head open, realized it was not an acorn, ate some canned peach's in light syrup, did some woodwork, made a sign that says "Friday's Comin', beat Colin Farrell's ass for wearing a wool cap in August, ate a large wedge of cake from the fair and made a pinwheel. 

•On Twitter there is a "Black Stewie." I have a hard time with this because "Black Stewie" isn't the least bit funny...to be honest it's a little too racist for my taste...What makes "Black Stewie" even worse is that people actually follow this unfunny jackhole. Racist ass, unfunny waste. Fuck you "Black Stewie." Fuck you and your completely unfunny "Tweets."

•I don't understand the song "She thinks my tractors sexy." What backwoods, inbred, sister kissing assfuck actually finds a tractor sexy? The name John Deere just oozes sex.
That might have been the hardest sentence I've ever had to type.

•Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I could kick a small child.

•I totally crack up at the drug "Angel Dust." Really? Who in the hell came up with this name? Angel Dust.

The one about Dolly Parton

It's my anniversary today, so I haven't done much except listened to the sobering wisdom of Miss Dolly Parton, did a dance routine to 9 to 5, played cricket, made everyone call me "Lester" all day, played bank, watched Charles in Charge, wrote death threats to Scott Baio, watched Ryan's Hope, wrote death threats to the producers for canceling Ryan's Hope, had a lively exchange of ideas with my dealer, got hot under the collar, wore a pair of Z. Cavaricci's, framed Bob Saget for murder, and wrote fake love letters to Scott Peterson. 

•The show "Wipeout" is synonymous with dreck. 

•When I told my husband after my optic neuritis surgery that I was almost completely blind in my right eye and fell down, he told me to see with my left eye. Wow...he should've been a doctor.

•How come the Keebler Elves don't have to wear hair nets? 

•Shit!! My Golden Grahams, milk and Triscuits  expire on 9/11. It's a trifecta of terrorism!! 

•Adult Swim advertisements are so stupid sometimes. Stop thinking you're so much deeper than me. It's so stupid that I wouldn't even try to pass that shit off  as "abstract art." It fucking sucks. Stop it. 

Alright, I gotta get going for my night out on the town. Enjoy your shitty, cold gray Wednesday ya dickheads.

The one about Angela Lansbury

I'm so glad it's Friday...I need a weekend to rest after my week of doing absolutely nothing except writing a menacing letter to Jim Henson (the creator of that lovable character, Kermit the Frog,) found out Jim Henson was dead, called the moms of high school girls pretending to be "Miriam" from Planned Parenthood, watched re-runs of Full House, plotted Bob Saget's demise, made up stuff on Wikipedia, and worked out to my Angela Lansbury workout tape.

•The people on the show "Hard Core Pawn" are by no means indicative of all Detroiters. 

•I totally envision myself going on an ass kicking spree. If you have wronged me in any way, shape or form. Look out. I'm coming for you. 

•I friggin' hate Simon Cowell...what a ridiculous fuck. He thinks he's got it going bossa nova.

•Hillbilly handfishing. Is this what we've come to?

Alright ya jackholes...have a good weekend.

OUT!

The one about Falcon Crest

I haven't really slept...but I did manage to challenge my elderly neighbor to a duel, got super high and watched "Falcon Crest," wrote death threats to Lonnie Anderson, auditioned for a part in community theater, had a Mexican stand off with the bitch who got the lead, ate a Bear Claw, got down to brass tacks, journaled in my Hannah Montana diary, threw a kids ball up on roof, killed the entire cast of "Glee," made some shady deals down at the pier, worked on my "Worst Vacation Ever" photo album, did some cooked down Afrin, and texted death threats to my nail lady.

•Sometimes when I'm trying to do something tough or cool, I hear "Lose Yourself" by Eminem in my head.

•Wow! That Megan Fox is such a seductress...

•I like the word "hobo." it's self explanatory...

•Nuthin' better than washing down a Butterfinger with a Mt. Dew.

My hair is no longer blonde...I'm pretty sure in my previous life I was a busty blonde...in this life I'm just busty.

I've been working on my family tree, and I found out that I am Swedish...that explains why I'm such an icy bitch.

The one about the Burger King crown

I am so friggin' bored...All I've done is pretended I was a vampire, wore a Burger King crown all day, broke into my elderly neighbors house, replaced elderly neighbors heart medication with Red Hots, said the Serenity prayer, watched Kindergarten Cop, wrote a love poem about heroin, drew a mustache on my face with a Sharpie, did a remake of Goonies, and joined the Kim Kardashian fan club.

•Jodie Foster looks like Voldemort.

•I hate when you get that one weird pumpkin seed that tastes all farty.

•Ultra light beer? You may as well drink water.

•Sometimes I wish I had a machine that could do my hair.

•What the hell is wrong with Catherine Zeta Jones? She looks nuts.

•I didn't know Professor Snape played guitar for Paul McCartney.

Seacrest Out...

The one about OJ Simpson

All I've done is sat around in my pajamas...I haven't done shit except called Live Links...because they wanna hear my voice, did a jigsaw puzzle, said "Bloody Mary" into the mirror 3 times, threw a rager, ate some Pringles, played some PacMan, said the Pledge of Allegiance, consulted OJ Simpson on the best way to kill someone and get away with it, wrote a letter to Oxygen informing them that their "Bad Girls Club" was nothing but a bunch of white trash bitches, ate some Cheez its, made fun of organized religion, did a tap dance routine to "Hello my Baby, Hello my Darling" at the local nursing home with tap shoes I made by hot gluing bottle caps to my flip flops, and made voodoo dolls of people I hate.

•Sarah Palin is a card and she needs to be dealt with. 

•I hate Comcast. Hate them. Bad customer service. Bad everything. Just. So. Fucking. Bad.

•Dinner with Schmucks was a worse movie than Sleep Away Camp 4. Yep. It was that bad. 

•I don't think I'd order the "Plaque Blaster" that I saw on an informercial. 





It takes for something to be crazy funny for me to actually laugh out loud. This actually made me laugh so hard that I had tears in my eyes...
Funny shit!!

The one about Nabisco

I guess some days are better than others...I haven't done shit today except put a severed finger in a box of 'Nilla Wafers, initiated a legal battle with Nabisco, wrote a threatening letter to Mark Zuckerberg (why the hell can't you just "edit" a post,) dressed up like Madonna circa 1986, played detective (my case of the missing bike horn turned into a double rape homicide,) scored some Turkish Meth, and spraypainted a mural in a urban area reminding people to "Get Tested."

•I hate when people mispronounce "vodka." It's not Vokka, it's voDka. Vodka. 

•Rizzoli and Isles is a painful show to watch. Yeah. It's pretty bad.

•I truly believe that I hate some people so much that if I heard somewhere that that person was beat to hell, that I'd smirk when I heard it. Yeah, I know.

•Okay, nepotism was brought up yesterday. I don't understand why this is an acceptable practice in Hollywood...or anywhere for that matter. You would'nt let a famous surgeons son work on your face, just because his dad is famous, good at it and licensed...why is this okay in Hollywood?
I've put together a little list where nepotism is the only reason we know who some of these people are.

Nepotism:
Emma Roberts-Julia Roberts
Drew Barrymore-John Barrymore
Haylie Duff-Hilary Duff
Rumer Willis-Demi Moore & Bruce Willis
Kelly & Jack Osbourne-Ozzy Osbourne 
Tori Spelling-Aaron Spelling
Jaden & Willow Smith-Will Smith
Clint Howard-Ron Howard
Ashlee Simpson-Jessica Simpson
Paris Hilton-
Jim Belushi-John Belushi
Miley Cyrus-Billy Ray Cyrus
Nicole Richie-Lionel Richie 
Freddie Prinze Jr.-Freddie Prinze
Charlie Sheen & Emilio Estevez-Martin Sheen
Kimberly Stewart-Rod Stewart
Peaches Geldolf-Bob Geldolf
Liv Tyler-Steven Tyler
Lily & Alfie Allen-Keith Allen
Kiefer Sutherland-Donald Sutherland 
Liza Minelli-Vincente Minelli & Judy Garland
Stella McCartney-Paul McCartney
Kate Hudson-Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell
Keira Knightley-
Kate Beckinsale- 
The Kardashians-Bruce Jenner & Robert Kardashian 
Gabby Logan-Terry Yorath
Colin Hanks-Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson
Norah Jones-Ravi Shankar
Matthew & Gunnar Nelson-Ricky Nelson.
Bijou, Chynna & MacKenzie Phillips-John Phillips
Wendy & Carnie Wilson-Brian Wilson
Lisa Marie Presley-Elvis Presley
Bonnie Raitt-John Raitt
Jeff & Beau Bridges-Lloyd Bridges
Nancy Sinatra-Frank Sinatra
Robin Thicke-Alan Thicke
Mariska Hargitay-Jayne Mansfield
Jamie Lee Curtis-Janet Leigh and actor Tony Curtis
Bryce Dallas Howard-Ron Howard
Isabella Rossellini-Ingrid Bergman
Michael Douglas-Kirk Douglas
Sean Astin-Patty Duke and actor John Astin
Angelina Jolie-John Voigt
Jane & Peter Fonda-Henry Fonda
Bridget Fonda-Peter Fonda
Melanie Griffith-Tippi Hedron
John Ritter-Tex Ritter
Ben Stiller-Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller
Joely Richardson-Vanessa Redgrave
Thora Birch-Jack Birch & Carol Connors.
Bristol Palin-Sarah Palin
Melissa Rivers-Joan Rivers
Ayla Brown-Scott Brown & Gail Huff
Alexa Ray Joel-Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley
Francis Bean Cobain-Kurt Cobain & Courtney Love
Jakob Dylan-Bob Dylan
Joe (King) Hill-Stephen King
Sofia Coppola-Francis Ford Coppola
Bindi Irwin-Steve Irwin
Ivanka Trump-Donald Trump
George W. Bush-George Bush
Chelsea Clinton-Bill & Hillary Clinton
Sean & Julian Lennon-John Lennon
Will Ferrell-Lee Ferrell
Tatum & Redmond O'Neal-Ryan O'Neal
Cameron Douglas-Michael Douglas
Nick & Brooke Hogan-Hulk Hogan
Dakota Johnson-Melanie Griffith & Don Johnson
Jennifer Aniston-John Aniston & Telly Savalas
Little Romeo-Master P
Lisa Marie Presley-Elvis Presley
Gwyneth Paltrow-Blythe Danner & Bruce Paltrow
Brandon Lee-Bruce Lee
Laura Dern-Bruce Dern & Diane Ladd
Carrie Fisher-Debbie Reynolds
Angelica Huston-John Huston
Natalie Cole-Nat King Cole
Alan Alda-Robert Alda
Roxie Roker-Lenny Kravitz
Sam Rondon-Lindsey Lohan
Ali, Michael & Dina  Lohan-Lindsay Lohan
Kevin Federline-Brittany Spears
Casey Affleck-Ben Affleck
Christina Applegate-Robert Applegate & Nancy Priddy
Olivia Wilde-Leslie & Andrew Cockburn 
Lorraine Nicholson-Jack Nicholson
Chris Brosnan-Pierce Brosnan
Chris Penn-Sean Penn
Sean Penn-Leo Penn
Jamie Lynn Spears-Brittany Spears
Nicolas Cage-Nicholas Copolla

Jesus Christ on a cracker...you get the point...

The one about Father Murphy

I haven't done anything today...I'm bored. All I've done today is opened my own dance studio, tried out for a role in a "Goodman, Acker" commercial, wrote death threats to Merlin Olsen for canceling "Father Murphy," went to Long John Silvers, watched Mr. Belvedere, wrote death threats to the producer of "Teen Mom," talked like a Hispanic gang member all day, referred to someone as "ese," did some arts and crafts, and Bedazzled my prettiest pair of white jeans. 

While putting together my blog, I was told that a company would advertise on my blog...this is the e-mail I got from them describing how they work.

AdSense is Google's content-targeted advertising program. This means that you don't select keywords or categories for your ads. Instead, Google's servers determine what your posts are about and display the most relevant ads to your readers. So, if you blog about baseball, there might be ads for Major League Baseball memorabilia next to your post. If you blog about painting, there might be ads for art supplies.

Please take note of my "advertisements." Fucking hilarious!
Why do I have ad's for rehab? It must be that pesky meth addiction.

•I really wanna tell "Captain" Rich Luterman to suck it. 

•The lead singer from Men at Work is so ugly...That ugly bastard needs to stay under.

•Just got home from work...kicking back with some Apple Pucker on the rocks.

The One About Tucks Pads

I really need a hobby...I do. All I've done today is corrected kids on FB who insist on spelling "HO" as "HOE," popped some wheelies on my Huffy, got "beaten" into a Latina gang, got a tattoo that says "Chicas Freakas," bought Tucks Pads at CVS, hung out in a maternity ward making fun of the moms who named their kid Nevaeh, went to an AA meeting, sat outside of said AA meeting drinking a can of Schlitz, called The Covenant House 9 line and talked like a pirate the entire conversation (yep, 1-800 and keep dialing 9,) and watched "The Great Space Coaster" with my imaginary friend.


I hate Kim Kardashian...why the fuck is this bitch famous? All she's done is A. Make a vile sex tape with Nick Canon of all people. 2. Dated sweaty black dudes and D. Has a GIGANTIC ass.
The term celebrity comes from the Latin noun celebritas, via the french cele'brite', which come from the Latin verb celebrar to celebrate...to make famous...
I don't understand why people "celebrate" this idiot. She's fucking nauseating!!! Has she ever said anything smart? She has NO personality, she's not funny, witty or cute...and this bitch gets a $2 million dollar deal for her own show. If you don't know, now ya know; I hate Kim Kardashian.



I seriously find no joy in children. Honestly, I hate the little bastards.

Fake uplifting people disturb the hell out of me. Really. You really would rather "sew a quilt for a veteran's widow, than relax on your couch and watch your favorite show?" Really? That is Fucked. To. The Hell up." 

My dogs bark entirely too much. Yet, I don't want to hurt their feelings by yelling "shut up." So, in essence. My dogs. Bark. A lot.

The one about Gazoo

I'm so incrediby bored...All I've done today is joined the "Bloods," smoked a ton of cigarettes, held up a party store, watched an infomercial on the power of the Nads Cream Hair Remover (there's an actual bearded lady in that commercial!,) did some Angel Dust, hallucinated "Gazoo" from The Flintstones marching in a gay pride parade, passed out STD pamphlets at the local elementary school, and ran lines with my scene partner.

I've been wondering if anyone else feels that True Blood is becoming ridiculously stupid? What the hell is up with Bill Compton's accent, and the way he's talking? I'm waiting for him to add "I do declare" on the end of his sentence. Really? Stop. Just stop it.

The bitch on YouTube won't let you embed videos, but I've posted this for your viewing pleasure...


I think Jason might quite possibly be the most hillbilly metrosexual known to man. What the hell is that all about? I'm not getting it...
What was up with that whole camping thing with Sam and Luna or whatever the hell her name is.  It was so stupid, there are no words to quite explain how absolutely stupid that was...
I know I wouldn't want to piss off the "wrong pooch."
http://youtu.be/EDkqKoKsmhg?t=1m41s
I think the word of the day is "OVERACTING!!" Ridiculous...

The One About the Hostess Fruit Pie

Alright bitches...this is my first time blogging. I got a few requests, so I asked myself, "why the hell not?" Every other jackhole has a blog that none of us read, so why not me? I'll now be able to call myself a writer. I can sit at Starbucks brooding with my laptop, in my turtleneck sweater from the "Gap" that I got with my 50% employee discount, while I read my copy of "Catcher In The Rye." I can pretend I'm a poor, tortured soul of a writer. I will also now have an excuse for all my eccentric bordering on strange behavior. I think maybe I'll do a few things...of course I'll share the ins and outs of my life (my shenanigans, antics and plain Tom Foolery) but, also since this blog is called "The Daily Bitch By A Witty Witch" I'd throw in my thoughts and observations of this fucked up world.
I hope that some of shit makes you laugh...or at the very least, smile.

I've put bullets for your convenience.

•I'm so bored, all I've done today is play Go-Bots, got pretty high up in the Mafia, pretended to be possessed by the Devil, wrote a letter to Tyler Perry telling him to "Stop. Just stop." stepped on a rusty nail, got lockjaw, cancelled my rap battle with Eminem, ate a Hostess Fruit Pie that some little fucker put his finger through, wore a sheet around my neck as a cape, called myself the "Vigilant Vigilante," was mistaken for a robber, received a vicious beating, retired the cape, and played marbles.

•I think today since I haven't slept all night, I'm going to keep it light and just bitch about trivial shit. I'll talk about my potential lawsuit against Glaxo Smith and Klein Pharmaceuticals for my gambling and meth addiction another time...so, today I'm just going to bust FaceBook's balls.


•Y'know...there's some people that when they make a "status update" on FaceBook, that I think to myself "it must fucking suck to be such a boring person with no sense of humor." Seriously. If you have to add a fucking semi-colon and a parenthesis to imply that youre joking or being silly, you're a ass who isn't funny. So, stop it. Stop. Do you really think this is funny, cute or witty?  "My BF just got his own FB!!!! Now he can quit secretly using my account!!! LOL!!!" No. No it is not. Sorry, your attempt at trying to your hand at comedy went terribly wrong. Awful.

•Y'know what else I hate? I hate private jokes put as "status updates." Really? You're like getting a chuckle out of one person and about 200 people knowing that it's a private joke, and that they probably wouldn't laugh even if they were in on it. So, before you put something stupid like "Cough Cough 40" as your status update, think about how much more of an idiot you sound like.